Posts Tagged ‘Musings’

Well.. they do say the universe conspires to give you what you really and truly want.

So for me, the universe ensures that there’s never a dull moment. That my life is always interesting 😉 Amen.

Even though at times, its not quite what I want, in ways that I want, but heck.. its definitely always colorful, always interesting, and my plate is always full.

And at times, when you dont listen to it, it forces you to step back and take note.

So certain events happened at Work. And I decided to quit. I’ve had a great 6 years here. Got to do some interesting, exciting work. Got to work with some amazing people. Got to travel to some amazing places. But now, I guess its just time to move on.

My last 2 weeks here and I’m feeling quite nostalgic. 6 years is definitely the longest I’ve ever been in one place, in my life. The closest comes Bombay, with 5 years. I’m gonna miss everyone. It takes a while to register that I wont be seeing this bunch every single day. Or the coffee machine we hate so much.

It also forces you to think about all the stuff we take so much for granted. Like the lovely campus with reserved parking and security; or the office boys available for all errands; or all the other perks that work so efficiently and effectively like the courier desk, the xerox m/c, printer, cafeteria, the laptop and the ip-phone. When you think about it, the list of small stuff that we take for granted, is so endless. Like the newspaper and milk that are delivered to your door everyday.

The only thing constant is change, right. And its the only way you can move ahead.

So here I am, welcoming it 🙂

The plan is to chill, spend some time with Goosh, do some of my favourite stuff, paint, crafts, and some photography, if I can smooch (er, borrow) a DSLR from someone for a few weeks 😉  I’m really, really looking forward to a break for the next month or so, while I search for the next job. If you know of any openings in the Semiconductor space for an extremely bright and talented young woman with over 9 years of experience with the best companies in the industry, drop me a mail 😉

And now I get back to grappling with this whole ton of ideas, an endless list of things I want to do, that I’d like to do in my break … wondering how much of it I’ll be able to get around to 😉  Can I entice anyone into setting up a nice cushy fund for me so that I can pursue my insatiable appetite for life.  Or can one of you help me rig a lottery 😉

Wish me well folks!


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I just read this and had to share it.

Beautifully inspiring.

Just do what it takes to make your dreams happen.

Copied here from Warrior of the Light newsletter:

The Singing Tree

A reader of my books met me at an afternoon book-signing in Bilbao, in the Basque Country.

“You always speak of symbols,” she tells me, “I want to show you a symbol that you have never seen.”

The next day she picks me up at my hotel.

“I don’t know how this started,” she says, “but legend has it that an old Jewish alchemist claimed that these trees could sing. The mayor of the town said that if he could not prove what he claimed, he would be killed. Ever since then, every year a tree sings in Soria, symbolically saving those who feel that everything is possible.”

We reach Soria and go to a square. Little by little, people begin to gather and all of a sudden a complete band with all their instruments climbs the gigantic bi-centenarian elm tree in the middle of the square. Each musician occupies a branch.

Under the command of an invisible wand, a tree sings in Soria.

– Paulo Coelho

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Does it happen to you too?

We rush through the day, tackling one task after the other. Or sometimes 10 together. From morning to night, we’re busy. With a hundred thousand things. Following up on xyz, sending mails to abc, reading blah-blah, working on some deadline.

Of all the things that take up our time daily, how many of these things will actually matter 1 year from now? Or 5 or 10 years? Will you remember any of the stuff you spent 12 hours a day on the past week?

Yep, there are some essential everyday activities, like cooking and cleaning and keeping house. Or doing whatever your day job requires. And then there’s a whole lot of other stuff that eats up our time. And I find that its that ‘whole lotta other stuff‘ that takes out the biggest chunk. Not a whole lot of important stuff.  Just a whole lot of small things. That maybe, just maybe wasnt really required.

Do you actively prioritise? Do you consciously choose – to do stuff that matters more to you, that’s closer to your heart?

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Looks like its butterfly season!!? Have you folks seen ’em?

It started on Sunday. Or so me thinks.  Sunday morning I was talking goosh for his first ever haircut – after his mundan. And there they were, fluttering all across the road. Dashing across the windscreen. Accompanying us the half km or so to the parlour. I was thrilled.  It was as if they were out to make our day all the more special. Goosh was thrilled and kept on calling them  “bachachai aaja” => butterfly aa ja 🙂

Since then, I’ve been seeing them every morning, as I drive to work. Hovering around that same stretch of road. Darting in and out – even amongst the traffic.  And this morning, as I walked in from the main gate of our office campus, there they were in full strength. Those cutsie yellow ones fluttering around in flocks. 🙂 Made my day.

So tell me, is it just me, or did you also see them? 🙂

The Yellow Butterflies

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huh, what?

Life is crazy.

Just when u think u’ve got a hang on things and can figure your way around.. wham.. it goes an changes.

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Over the last few months, this blog has become less about Goosh and more about all the other things happening in my life. Ironically, its also the phase where Goosh has grown the most and surprised us the most. Each weekend I go home and think – OMG, my baby has grown up so much!

Like every other Mom, I think my son has grown a coupla centimeters while I was away (ya, in one week), and I go and measure his height, just to check. I think his face has become ‘more mature’. More of a little boy than a toddler or baby. He’s definitely learnt new words. Where / how, I just cant figure. And can string 2-3 together. Like “nahi chahiye” – when he doesnt want to eat. Or more importantly, when someone’s putting smthg into his Mama or Baba’s plate!! (yeah – he’s watching what we eat!!).

He’s becoming more independent each day. It breaks my heart. My little baby’s growing up too fast. I look back and I dont know where the last 16 months went. All I remember is running and running and more running. I feel that I didnt spend enough time with my baby. First it was juggling work and home alone with H being away. And then plunging into GameZen. Yes, its choices I made. And I often step back and wonder if its all worth it. Now my baby is all grown up. For quite some time now, he’s been refusing kisses. You ask him for a kiss, and he’ll squirm up his face with a cute shy “nai”. Clearly saying he’s a big boy now and wont dole out free kisses any more.

My Mom says he’s fine without me during the week. Ya, he searches the house for me. He opens my cupboard, points at my clothes and says “Mamma, mamma”. He goes looking everywhere for my chappals. And knocks at the bathroom doors. When he doesnt find me anywhere  he consoles himself saying “mamma, aupheesh (office)”. He’s learnt to get along with out me. AND THAT IS SO SCARY.

Last weekend when I went home, he suddenly came down with a high fever.  Saturday and sunday. Monday by the time I left home, he was more or less ok. This weekend, when  I went home, he burnt himself. Went and touched a hot iron at a friend’s place. Cried like hell. Then played with the ice cubes and water we gave him. He’s got blisters on his hand and is showing them to everyone who’ll care to see, but other than that seems ok. And I wonder what’s the correlation with the weekend and his mis-adventures.  That’s the only time I get with him, and he’s cringy and clingy and crying due to one thing or the other. My Mom tells me he’s all fine during the week. Tantrums and mis-adventures are only for when I’m at home.

He doesnt talk on the phone when I call. Or actually when anyone calls. He loves playing with the phone, but its impossible to get him to talk on it. So everyday I get to hear his voice for just a few seconds in the background.

At times like now, I really wonder if we’re doing the right thing. A full time job. A startup. And now this course.  I feel guilty as hell. Like my baby is growing up without me. Many times I want to just let it all go. Put up my hands and say I quit. Everything. I just want to be at home with my baby, while he still needs me. But I keep pushing myself. GameZen is what we want to do. This course at IIMB, is for GameZen. And the job, is for the money. Quitting is a luxury, I feel we cant afford right now. I dont know if that’s right or wrong. Or just my perception / fear.  But the financial stability a job offers is important at this point of time. If I quit, I’d have to do something else. And right now, the job gives me the best return on the time I put in. Feels like an impossible situation.

Starting your own company, is just like having a baby. The pregnancy, the labour, the first 2 years. Exactly the same. It’s a mad roller-coaster ride. H and I are so stressed out. For the last 3 months, we havent spoken a word to each other – that’s not related to GameZen. We’re both so extremely passionate about it. We each have our own very clear views about how to go about things. Add in our hot-tempers, and you can see what a potent mix.  It’s fun and maddening at the same time, to be working with your spouse.

And this course at IIMB – like every other good course – you learn more outside the classroom. And the profs actually tell u that on day 1 🙂

Life on campus is so different. So “relaxed”. Even if I’m working 18 hrs a day. There’s no 100 things screaming for attention simultaneously. There’s this wide open spaces, lawns, trees, huge expanses of blue sky, lovely quaint old buildings with creepers growing on them..and electric ideas flying thick in the air. Where ever you turn, who-ever you speak to, such amazing people, such amazing ideas. You look at them and feel, anything’s possible. Everything is possible.  And your breath holds for a minute. You invariably end up doing a comparison and think OMG, will I ever get there!! I feel like such a small fry.  And just when i’m wallowing in self doubt and wondering how we’ll manage finances, when will i be able to quit that job.. someone walks up to me and says, “oh, arent u the gaming lady! I so want to come and see ur place. I wish I could do that!”  and I perk up and smile to myself….

That’s life.

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I walked in the rain again.. after so many years.

I walked on the green grass again..after so many years.

I soaked it in. The sights. The feeling.

Out in an open field. Encircled with trees. The wide open sky above me.

Soaking in the rain. The feeling. Of being out in the open. Connecting. Just being.

There’s just something about the rain. About the open sky and the trees. You just loose yourself. The world and all its problems melt away.

This is what I was missing thru the last few years. Being out in the open. Soaking in the green of the trees, the blue of the sky. I feel like I’m at home again. Wide open spaces.. And once again, all the intervening years fade away. I am. Just me.

I was transported back to 15 yrs ago. Walking on another campus, in the rains. Perpetually. Every monsoon. Unlike others, I didnt mind the rains. I loved them. I didnt mind walking around in wet chappals, and having to sit thru class all drenched. It was well worth it. To feel the rain on my face….  I remember the first time M made me throw caution and ‘propriety’ to the winds and walk in the rain. She just folded up the umbrellas, took off her chappals, made me do the same. We waded thru ankle deep waters, swirling with twigs and what not. And came away giggling, happy, like only 2 little girls can be.

There’s something about Bombay monsoons. The way rain just pelts down on you. Unforgving. Merciless. It doesnt drizzle. It’s always a heavy downpour. Bangalore rain just doesnt match up. Walk for 5 minutes in a ‘heavy’ downpour, and you’ll still be dry in patches… and i thought back to a day in 1997 when we walked up all the way from Matheran’s base station (I er forget the name) to the top. Just 2 girls – me and J. In a torrential downpour. We chose to walk on the road, instead of a cross-hill trek – coz we didnt know the route. And from the minute we stepped out of the hostel, it was just pouring cats and dogs. Such heavy needles.. that we could barely open our eyes. It was our 2nd trek. Our first ever monsoon trek. And we’d very thoughtfully carried umbrellas. And worn nice heavy hunter boots. Yep, hindsight always teaches u lessons.

I remember that day so clearly. All the twists and turns where we stopped to look down at picturesque villages. The first time we saw this white foaming mass on a hillside, we didnt know what to make of it. Then we saw another. And yet another. And figured they were waterfalls.

It just rained and rained.. from the minute we left the hostel. To the time we got back. We didnt have cameras back then. But as I sit to type this out, so many images come flooding back. With amazing clarity. I didnt even know I remembered.

2010. I’m now an engineer at Broadcom (and started GameZen). J’s done her PhD and is with Intel. And M’s with Microsoft. If you’d asked any of us in 1997, where we’d be 10 (ok 15)  yrs later, we’d never have imagined this.

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