Over the last few months, this blog has become less about Goosh and more about all the other things happening in my life. Ironically, its also the phase where Goosh has grown the most and surprised us the most. Each weekend I go home and think – OMG, my baby has grown up so much!
Like every other Mom, I think my son has grown a coupla centimeters while I was away (ya, in one week), and I go and measure his height, just to check. I think his face has become ‘more mature’. More of a little boy than a toddler or baby. He’s definitely learnt new words. Where / how, I just cant figure. And can string 2-3 together. Like “nahi chahiye” – when he doesnt want to eat. Or more importantly, when someone’s putting smthg into his Mama or Baba’s plate!! (yeah – he’s watching what we eat!!).
He’s becoming more independent each day. It breaks my heart. My little baby’s growing up too fast. I look back and I dont know where the last 16 months went. All I remember is running and running and more running. I feel that I didnt spend enough time with my baby. First it was juggling work and home alone with H being away. And then plunging into GameZen. Yes, its choices I made. And I often step back and wonder if its all worth it. Now my baby is all grown up. For quite some time now, he’s been refusing kisses. You ask him for a kiss, and he’ll squirm up his face with a cute shy “nai”. Clearly saying he’s a big boy now and wont dole out free kisses any more.
My Mom says he’s fine without me during the week. Ya, he searches the house for me. He opens my cupboard, points at my clothes and says “Mamma, mamma”. He goes looking everywhere for my chappals. And knocks at the bathroom doors. When he doesnt find me anywhere he consoles himself saying “mamma, aupheesh (office)”. He’s learnt to get along with out me. AND THAT IS SO SCARY.
Last weekend when I went home, he suddenly came down with a high fever. Saturday and sunday. Monday by the time I left home, he was more or less ok. This weekend, when I went home, he burnt himself. Went and touched a hot iron at a friend’s place. Cried like hell. Then played with the ice cubes and water we gave him. He’s got blisters on his hand and is showing them to everyone who’ll care to see, but other than that seems ok. And I wonder what’s the correlation with the weekend and his mis-adventures. That’s the only time I get with him, and he’s cringy and clingy and crying due to one thing or the other. My Mom tells me he’s all fine during the week. Tantrums and mis-adventures are only for when I’m at home.
He doesnt talk on the phone when I call. Or actually when anyone calls. He loves playing with the phone, but its impossible to get him to talk on it. So everyday I get to hear his voice for just a few seconds in the background.
At times like now, I really wonder if we’re doing the right thing. A full time job. A startup. And now this course. I feel guilty as hell. Like my baby is growing up without me. Many times I want to just let it all go. Put up my hands and say I quit. Everything. I just want to be at home with my baby, while he still needs me. But I keep pushing myself. GameZen is what we want to do. This course at IIMB, is for GameZen. And the job, is for the money. Quitting is a luxury, I feel we cant afford right now. I dont know if that’s right or wrong. Or just my perception / fear. But the financial stability a job offers is important at this point of time. If I quit, I’d have to do something else. And right now, the job gives me the best return on the time I put in. Feels like an impossible situation.
Starting your own company, is just like having a baby. The pregnancy, the labour, the first 2 years. Exactly the same. It’s a mad roller-coaster ride. H and I are so stressed out. For the last 3 months, we havent spoken a word to each other – that’s not related to GameZen. We’re both so extremely passionate about it. We each have our own very clear views about how to go about things. Add in our hot-tempers, and you can see what a potent mix. It’s fun and maddening at the same time, to be working with your spouse.
And this course at IIMB – like every other good course – you learn more outside the classroom. And the profs actually tell u that on day 1 🙂
Life on campus is so different. So “relaxed”. Even if I’m working 18 hrs a day. There’s no 100 things screaming for attention simultaneously. There’s this wide open spaces, lawns, trees, huge expanses of blue sky, lovely quaint old buildings with creepers growing on them..and electric ideas flying thick in the air. Where ever you turn, who-ever you speak to, such amazing people, such amazing ideas. You look at them and feel, anything’s possible. Everything is possible. And your breath holds for a minute. You invariably end up doing a comparison and think OMG, will I ever get there!! I feel like such a small fry. And just when i’m wallowing in self doubt and wondering how we’ll manage finances, when will i be able to quit that job.. someone walks up to me and says, “oh, arent u the gaming lady! I so want to come and see ur place. I wish I could do that!” and I perk up and smile to myself….