I’ve now officially crossed over to the other side. Of sanity.
I went over the edge sometime last week. Crept up slowly, real slow. So slow as to not be too apparent. And then wooosh.. no announcing war cry, no warning, I was over the edge. Of sanity.
Functioning mostly in zombie mode these days. Have some semblance of a routine set; and some standard ways to cope. I just go through them on auto pilot. Beyond feeling. Am past feeling frust, or tired, or angry. I’ve reached a state of Zen. Beyond everything. Beyond emotion. Just go through everyday tasks. You know, the point where you stop doing things consciously, and pure muscle memory takes over.
I used to be against all the research being done on Genetics & Artificial Intelligence and creating robots or machines than can think and act like humans. Now I rest assured – they cant. At least not ones that function like Moms. Even Intel, or anyone cannot make microchips that can simultaneously keep track of and successfully juggle as many tasks as a Mom has to do every hour. The robot would just short circuit and go up in flames.
My idea of Friday night fun is sitting at my laptop and blogging, with a bag of potato chips for company. Blogging and hogging are my 2 major comforts these days. Hogging favorites – cheese sandwiches from the cafeteria, chocolate madness from CCD, potato chips at home. And blogging..my new found love..sorry HD… the only time in the day I get a chance to be a thinking, feeling human. To have any thoughts other than the list-of-million-things-to-be-done that hogs all bandwidth through the day. I’m hooked to reading a few fav blogs. They’re my nicotine patch. My daily fix. Every comment I get, is a celebration. Of being acknowledged by another person. I exist. I am. Somewhere beneath this auto pilot machine, is the person I used to be.
I want to run away. From home, from office. Just chill. Just a short break. An hour maybe. Where do I go? Heck, how do I go!? Cant leave the Goosh for any longer than I already do. Rather, dont want to. And where can I run to with a baby!?? I’ve already tried the neighbourhood CCD.
Been screaming alot at HD lately. He’s posted in Indore. And I’m here. Taking care of home, office, ILs and the Goosh. And the worse part is that in the madness, Goosh takes a backseat at times. And I hate it. And feel more miserable. I wish I got more time to play with him. To make him listen to music, to play in the tub, to make him eat mangoes. But there are only 24 hours in a day. And even the lil fellow has to sleep. And I dont understand why. Why HD’s doing what he’s doing. And now I’m also numb to it. He’ll come when he’s ready. I should stop waiting, stop hanging on. Its not like things are going to magically become easier once he’s back.
One day, life will get back to normal.hmmm.. Or maybe this is the new normal……