Yesterday a coworker casually asked me as our paths crossed in the restroom – so how are you managing on your own. And I went on and on for the next 20 minutes. In the rest room. Poor woman. I’m not very close to this lady. But I was just sooo glad that someone, anyone had bothered to ask. And it struck me, yes I’m a single mom. It’s been 2 months in Bangalore already. On my own. With no sign of HD moving back from Indore in the forseeable future.
And I dont like the way those words sound ‘single mom’. But they most aptly describe what I’m going through now.
So what does it mean to be a single working Mom. First of all that everything is your responsibilty. Everything. That there’s no one to share it with. If you drop a ball, if you loosen up for a minute, there’s no one to pick up the slack. So you cant afford to fall sick. Or take a 15 minute shower. Or poop in peace. Those are luxuries.
This morning I went to the loo. I thought Goosh was still asleep. Then I heard some rustling. And some movement. And I rushed out just in time to catch Goosh before he rolled off the bed. He’d woken up and started wrestling with the pillow. The pillow fell down, and he was about to follow.
Second comes being alone. Lonely. Sharing the small stuff of everyday. It’s saturday evening. I want to do something different. I want to chill. I want to go out somewhere. I want to have a chat over a cuppa tea. Heck, I just want to have a cuppa tea without having to gulp it down. I called up 5 people – all of whom already had plans. And that made me feel miserable. Wow, everyone but me already has plans. What to do.. the problem is I cant drive anywhere with the kiddo – just kiddo and me. I dont think its safe. Not on INdian roads. Not with the kind of ‘baskets’ we have as car seats.
I sorely sorely miss normal conversation. All conversation these days is for a purpose. To give the maid instructions. To ask her how the kid’s day was. At work, to save on time, no more coffee breaks or corridor talks. Each minute counts. Not a wasted word. And a whole lot of nonsensical jabber jabber with the baby. And HD is mostly busy or with someone when I call. Our times dont match. We get to talk at max 5 minutes a day. 10 if we’re really lucky – or if I put Goosh on the phone to talk to Daddy. Sometimes I fear I’ll forget what normal conversation is like.
Yes, I’m thrilled to be a Mom. Juno is the most adorable wonderful baby.
And yes, no one said motherhood, or life would be easy.
It’s saturday night. The kiddo has finally dozed off. He sleeps fitfully these days. Wakes up almost every hour. A feed and some rocking usually make him go back into a blissful sleep. I look at him. And sigh. Tomorrow is another day.