“I wonder why I wonder why,
I wonder why I wonder.
I wonder why, I wonder why
I wonder why I wonder.”
I read this somewhere a long time ago and it’s stuck to me. I think it’s by Richard Feynman. But it describes completely how I feel right now. I wonder.. I feel muddled and a lost. Coping with the new identity and the changes it brings. I’m wondering whether the old me will still be there… Will I still be as sharp and capable as I used to be? Will I be able to return to rational thinking, computations and meaningless coding? Each day my confidence as a Mom grows a bit more – I’m getting better at handling the baby. And I doubt my ‘working persona’ a bit more. Will I be able to handle deadlines and the challenges at work as well as I used to? I pause and take a deep breath… Yes I can. My ‘brain’ is still the same. But .. maybe I just wont want to anymore. I no longer want to slog and juggle chaos & code for some company. I dont see the point in it – other than it gives me a monthly pay check. It doesnt challenge me anymore. I know the grey cells are still going good. I know I can do whatever I take up. Each project, each chip, each bit of code is more or less like everything else. You’re given a bit of something, you’re given half cooked requirements, a huge set of rules & restrictions, and you have to write code for it & get it to work. All chips, code etc boil down to that. Its just the specifics – the set of rules, and ‘what’ you want the code to do – that are different 😉 And I no longer find it challenging. I want to move on.
But to what?
Each day I think of ‘new’ ideas of what I could do.. and each day, I let them be. I doubt myself. Confidence is running low… Not surprising with the current state of things. My mobility in the past 6 or so months has been severly limited. For the last 3 months my interaction with the outside world has been limited to this laptop. I still cant manage to sit / turn over without the stitches hurting though its been a month after the surgery. I havent slept properly in month. 80% of my waking hours have been spent feeding Junior, burping him and changing nappies.
Dont get me wrong. I’m not complaining. I’m having a heck of a time with Junior. But hey, I’m just feeling .. well… not like me at all.
Along with this change in my personal life.. I’m ready for a change in my professional life too. Just too dazed right now to figure out the what and how….